Coping with Death & Life

Today has been a very emotional and reflective day. 

Kaitlyn Adams...died of cancer one year ago today.  A 15 year old just starting out in life. A former dance student of mine, and a part of Sierra's Drill Team.  She still inspires a generation of women who know they are lucky to have strong bodies and the opportunity to dance.  They call Kaitlyn their angel. 

A good friend of mine had to deliver a stillborn baby on this day 25 years ago.  Her first child.  I can't imagine the pain of carrying a baby for 9 months.  Being excited to be a parent, and then the terrible news. 

A week ago, a neighbor of mine lost her only son in a terrible car accident.  Just the day before she was talking about the hopes she had of her son getting married and finally having some grandbabies for her.  Bittersweet.  This conversation will stick in my mind forever. 

April 1st is the date Debbie Frame Nugent was buried.  She took her own life.  This was Eric's first wife.  Eric and I met after I offered him condolences at work.  I remember the absolute gaunt, despair, and hollow look on his face at the time he was ready to come back to work.  I have known that feeling and still remember that dark place.  It's hard to imagine unless you have been through it. 

And, I just heard the news today that a son of a sweet family in my neighborhood died of a drug overdose.  This young man donated his labor to build a railing on my deck for me two summers ago.  I didn't know him well, but he was kind to me in a time when I really needed it.  I knew he was dealing with some personal issues at the time, but he offered his help, and I took it willingly.  I am devastated by this news.

Every time I hear of a suicide of any kind, my mind wanders back to a cold 1992 November morning.   My 19 year old brother, my only sibling, took his life.  I remember the absolute shock, the deep dark feeling, the sleepless nights, the endless crying.  Knowing that I would not have my brother in my life was hard to even imagine.  He was so full of life, talent, mischief, love, adventure, smiles, and laughs.  I did not know the side of him that was sad, hopeless, and ready to give up. He was a newlywed, they were so cute together, so in love.   Who knows what happened.  I know we would all love some answers, but there just aren't any.  I have tried to replay those last days over and over in mind over the years.  Wondering if there was anything I could have done to help change his mind.  To let him know how much I loved him.  To let him know that no matter how bad things may seem, he would be able to get through them.  I would love to go back and tell him that in time, the things that he was so upset about, wouldn't seem so bad.  There would be new worries, new joys, and as painful as things seem, they do pass and the pain eases up.  I miss him greatly.  I would love to know him as an adult, as a dad, as a grandpa.  I would love for my children to know their Uncle John.  And not just the picture on the wall at gramas, and the snapshots of us together on my fridge.  But to be able to play with him, spend time with him, have sleepovers with his kids, their cousins.  But that was not meant to be.  However, I do imagine those days quite frequently.

I have gone through dark times myself.  Two divorces.  The loss of a business I cherished, and the accompanying financial disaster that came with it.  Wondering how I would ever be able to pick up the pieces and make anything of my life.  I'm still dealing with that mess.  Wanting to give my children so much more than I can.  Wanting to give them a home with two parents.  Not having to go back and forth.  Contemplating all the stupid mistakes, unwise choices, and absolute blunders of my life.  Sometimes it's more than I can take to think about.  There was a very dark time, when the only thing that got me through was my brother.  My guardian angel.  Telling me that there was so much to live for.  So much more I could do with my life.  Knowing that my parents would be absolutely, irreparably, devastated.  Knowing that my husband (at the time) would be burying a second wife & raising our kids by himself- I could never do that to him.  Knowing that my children would grow up without a mom-that's just not an option.  Those were the things that kept me going when I felt like I had destroyed every other reason for living.  Counseling and medication helped me through that time.  But I was there.  A breath away from death.  It scared the hell out of me.  But I told someone.  Deep down, I knew I could get through it.  I have made a full recovery and for whatever reason, those days are behind me.  I'm lucky.  I know that for some, that grip of death, sadness, and despair does not let go.  I had the desire to get past it, the will to not let it control my life.  Now I rarely even think about it.  I, of course, have sad times.  But it's nowhere near the same experience.  I am reminded of that scariness, when I hear of suicide & death.  I know how precious life is.  I know what a huge hole is left behind when a loved one is no longer a part of your life. 

Today I was driving around with all these emotions circling in my mind, my sunroof was open, the sunshine was streaming in and warming my skin, and flooding my soul.  And it made me smile.  I know that this life is not the end.  I know that we will see our loved ones, neighbors, and friends again.  I know that they are being greeted with warm welcomes.  Being comforted and tears wiped.  I know that they are in a better place.  I am happy for them.  I am sad for those left behind.  It is a rough road, but together we can get through it.  Love, understanding, kindness and true compassion are absolutely essential. 

--In life you can never be too kind.   Everyone you meet is carrying a heavy load. When you go through your day expressing kindness to all you meet, you leave behind a feeling of warmth, and you help alleviate the burdens everyone is struggling with. :) be happy today!  --Derrick Myler