Nothing gives you perspective on life quite like going to a funeral. My aunt Beth died this week and her funeral was last night. She was married to my uncle Jerry a very long time ago, and she was the mom of his two oldest boys, my cousins. They divorced ions ago and both remarried, a couple of times. So I never really saw much of her over the last 30 years or so. I would hear about her from my cousins (Jared & Jason), see her briefly on occasion, and see pictures. But we were not very close. I wanted to go to her funeral to support my cousins. I can't imagine loosing my momma, so I was thinking they must be terribly sad about it.
I'm not really sure how she died and didn't want to ask...but no one seemed surprised as her passing, and frankly, not that sad. I know grief is weird and it's hard to be sad in front of people you may not know or see very often. So I'm sure it was not the real picture. I know they loved her very much.
I saw a lot of family at the funeral. It's always great to see my uncles, aunts, cousins, and their kids. Seriously, my family is awesome. We hardly ever get together except our annual Christmas Eve party, but even most of them don't come to that either. Baptisms, Weddings, Funerals, random parties. Most of my interaction with them is on Facebook. Gotta love it! If it wasn't for that, I really would have no idea what was going on in my family. Sad and awesome at the same time. But whenever we do get together it's as if no time has passed (except our kids keep growing up ;-) We can laugh and talk for hours. Love them so much!
Anyway, back to the story. So my uncle Jerry who was married to Aunt Beth, (or Liz as she goes by now) was being a sweet guy and hanging around to greet guests and support his boys. It really was sweet. He and his current wife Pat, and my parents were talking about going out to eat after and he was saying he thought he should stay until the end of the funeral. I told him he didn't have to stay, but he said he felt like he should. That really struck me.
Like REALLY struck me. I left the funeral with so many mixed feelings. Happy to have seen my family. Sad about the passing of Aunt Beth (she'll always be Beth to me), sad for my cousins and her current husband, her husband for several decades. I know they miss her and are wondering how to get on with their life with out her.
My mind was stuck on ex-husbands. My funeral. Who would come. Who would pay respects and leave. Who would feel like they needed to stay the duration to meet my friends, neighbors and loved ones. Surely my parents & grama will be gone. (although I don't even want to begin to think about that.) Who would be there to support my kids. Their future spouses, my future grandkids :-), my ex-husbands?? The thought of my ex-husbands hanging out at my funeral...that did not sit well with me. I don't mind them coming to pay their respects, but I don't want them hanging around my funeral and acting like they care about me. Telling who knows what kind of stories. They never gave a shit about me when we were married. Both of them couldn't wait to get rid of me and move on to the next.... I cried and cried about this. They've both moved on with their lives with out caring about what happens to me. Walking away from our family like it was an option. Like I was something they had grown tired of , and traded me in for a newer, shinier version. What the hell? Why was this bothering me so much? I don't know-- I guess there will always be baggage that shows up unexpectedly. I don't normally think this negatively. I'm happy to have moved on out of unhappy marriages. I'm happy to be single and living a life I love! I'm grateful for my kids and that I was able to raise them with no negative vibes in our home. I'm just upset that I couldn't give them the traditional. I know it's silly. But I'm still bitter about it.
I slept on it. Talked to Sierra about it. She said "Of course my dad will come! He cares about you. He would be there for me too." Then my heart started to soften. I started to think that if one of them died (Eric or Chris) I would definitely want to be there. Greeting friends we had in common, comforting family, especially the kids. They are great fathers. Better than I could have ever hoped. And they have cared for me in the best way they could as an ex-wife & baby momma. I owe them a lot. They really did help me through this crazy life and that needs to be respected. I guess we are tied together in some ways forever. I had never thought this far ahead about my life and it shook me up. The inevitability of death and those left behind.
School & Sports Activities, Dating, Weddings, College, Grandkids, Funerals. The exes and I will be there for all of it. Til death do us part...even after divorce.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
Traffic
Here I am sitting in the Traffic department at work. Today is slow, and that's weird because it's usually chaos on a Friday. So I thought I would write a little about my job and what I do. I'm the Traffic Coordinator/Continuity Specialist. I work for FOX 13 KSTU television in SLC, UT. I've been in my position for 16 mos now. Traffic is not what you think, it has nothing to do with cars on the road. It's part of the sales/advertising machine.
Sales people sell the commercial time, my boss (who is in Kansas City) decides which commercials will go where and when, my local boss decides how much the commercials are going to cost during which show/day, and the client tells me which commercial they want to air for which show/day, and for how long (a day, a week, month, etc), and I get to make sense of it all. I mostly do data entry type stuff. But it's also my responsibility to get the commercial from the client, make sure it's the right length and content, relay all that information to our operations department (that I used to work in), make sure it's ready for air when needed, and coordinate all that information to needed parties. I process the finalized "Log" or playlist and send it to our automation that puts it on TV for you to enjoy (haha-ya, we all hate commercials). Bottom line, if the wrong commercial goes to air, or the right commercial doesn't air, or there is any sort of problem with commercials--it's my butt on the line.
Previous to this position I worked in Operations (Master Control/Ingest/and Camera). Compared to this job, it was seriously a piece of cake, although it was challenging. Mostly because I worked graves and no one bothered us. We did our job and still had A LOT of free time to just watch TV, chit chat, and goof off. While still monitoring everything of course ;-) Coming to this position was a huge blessing, a bit more pay, a day schedule (what I had been praying for), my own office, and tons of responsibility. It's been a very hard adjustment. I'm used to doing my job, going home, and not worrying about work until the next day. Now I'm on call 24/7 and believe me, they call me at all hours about problems, or things missing, or computer issues. It's a huge change. I love it most days. But some days I worry that this job is too much for little old me. I'm a lot more confident in my job, but I feel like such a slow learner. Every mistake is a huge loss money wise, and requires meeting after meeting. It can be very discouraging and depressing.
Fortunately, I rarely make mistakes now, but in the beginning it was very hard learning the ropes and mistakes seemed to be a daily occurrence. But, they do still happen occasionally. That's life.
I really like the people I work with. We laugh, we have fun, we joke. But most of the day it's quiet in the office and I'm listening to my headphones. Kinda boring.
So that's my job in a nutshell. So completely different from my dance studio days...but it pays the bills and keeps my family fed. I'm grateful to have a job period.
Sales people sell the commercial time, my boss (who is in Kansas City) decides which commercials will go where and when, my local boss decides how much the commercials are going to cost during which show/day, and the client tells me which commercial they want to air for which show/day, and for how long (a day, a week, month, etc), and I get to make sense of it all. I mostly do data entry type stuff. But it's also my responsibility to get the commercial from the client, make sure it's the right length and content, relay all that information to our operations department (that I used to work in), make sure it's ready for air when needed, and coordinate all that information to needed parties. I process the finalized "Log" or playlist and send it to our automation that puts it on TV for you to enjoy (haha-ya, we all hate commercials). Bottom line, if the wrong commercial goes to air, or the right commercial doesn't air, or there is any sort of problem with commercials--it's my butt on the line.
Previous to this position I worked in Operations (Master Control/Ingest/and Camera). Compared to this job, it was seriously a piece of cake, although it was challenging. Mostly because I worked graves and no one bothered us. We did our job and still had A LOT of free time to just watch TV, chit chat, and goof off. While still monitoring everything of course ;-) Coming to this position was a huge blessing, a bit more pay, a day schedule (what I had been praying for), my own office, and tons of responsibility. It's been a very hard adjustment. I'm used to doing my job, going home, and not worrying about work until the next day. Now I'm on call 24/7 and believe me, they call me at all hours about problems, or things missing, or computer issues. It's a huge change. I love it most days. But some days I worry that this job is too much for little old me. I'm a lot more confident in my job, but I feel like such a slow learner. Every mistake is a huge loss money wise, and requires meeting after meeting. It can be very discouraging and depressing.
Fortunately, I rarely make mistakes now, but in the beginning it was very hard learning the ropes and mistakes seemed to be a daily occurrence. But, they do still happen occasionally. That's life.
I really like the people I work with. We laugh, we have fun, we joke. But most of the day it's quiet in the office and I'm listening to my headphones. Kinda boring.
So that's my job in a nutshell. So completely different from my dance studio days...but it pays the bills and keeps my family fed. I'm grateful to have a job period.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Home Sweet Home
Last night I tucked my kids into their beds and sat in the kitchen by myself. I looked around at all of my things...my things...in my home. Our new home. A wonderful feeling. So happy I can do this for the kids. I know they are really loving it and it makes it that much sweeter. We still have so much to do, but the main floor is really coming together.
I let the girls have the master. The room itself isn't that much bigger than the others, but they have their own bathroom and a GIANT walk in closet. They have soooo many clothes, bags, shoes, jackets, belts, etc. It just made more sense. They have always been seriously messy. I'm hoping this will inspire them to take care of their stuff... or at least keep it contained in their closet. So far, we have a looooooong way to go. But in their defense we just got it all in the house. So I will give them a few days to figure things out. And then, momma's gonna drop the hammer.
Justice's room isn't too much better, but at least his clothes are hung. We will really tackle the rooms this weekend.
My room is put together, but it doesn't feel right yet. I need to personalize it somehow. I've never been a great decorator, but I finally feel the need. I'm really feeling hopeful and excited about the future. Free from my past!
So thankful for where we are at that we have this opportunity.
I let the girls have the master. The room itself isn't that much bigger than the others, but they have their own bathroom and a GIANT walk in closet. They have soooo many clothes, bags, shoes, jackets, belts, etc. It just made more sense. They have always been seriously messy. I'm hoping this will inspire them to take care of their stuff... or at least keep it contained in their closet. So far, we have a looooooong way to go. But in their defense we just got it all in the house. So I will give them a few days to figure things out. And then, momma's gonna drop the hammer.
Justice's room isn't too much better, but at least his clothes are hung. We will really tackle the rooms this weekend.
My room is put together, but it doesn't feel right yet. I need to personalize it somehow. I've never been a great decorator, but I finally feel the need. I'm really feeling hopeful and excited about the future. Free from my past!
So thankful for where we are at that we have this opportunity.
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