Nothing gives you perspective on life quite like going to a funeral. My aunt Beth died this week and her funeral was last night. She was married to my uncle Jerry a very long time ago, and she was the mom of his two oldest boys, my cousins. They divorced ions ago and both remarried, a couple of times. So I never really saw much of her over the last 30 years or so. I would hear about her from my cousins (Jared & Jason), see her briefly on occasion, and see pictures. But we were not very close. I wanted to go to her funeral to support my cousins. I can't imagine loosing my momma, so I was thinking they must be terribly sad about it.
I'm not really sure how she died and didn't want to ask...but no one seemed surprised as her passing, and frankly, not that sad. I know grief is weird and it's hard to be sad in front of people you may not know or see very often. So I'm sure it was not the real picture. I know they loved her very much.
I saw a lot of family at the funeral. It's always great to see my uncles, aunts, cousins, and their kids. Seriously, my family is awesome. We hardly ever get together except our annual Christmas Eve party, but even most of them don't come to that either. Baptisms, Weddings, Funerals, random parties. Most of my interaction with them is on Facebook. Gotta love it! If it wasn't for that, I really would have no idea what was going on in my family. Sad and awesome at the same time. But whenever we do get together it's as if no time has passed (except our kids keep growing up ;-) We can laugh and talk for hours. Love them so much!
Anyway, back to the story. So my uncle Jerry who was married to Aunt Beth, (or Liz as she goes by now) was being a sweet guy and hanging around to greet guests and support his boys. It really was sweet. He and his current wife Pat, and my parents were talking about going out to eat after and he was saying he thought he should stay until the end of the funeral. I told him he didn't have to stay, but he said he felt like he should. That really struck me.
Like REALLY struck me. I left the funeral with so many mixed feelings. Happy to have seen my family. Sad about the passing of Aunt Beth (she'll always be Beth to me), sad for my cousins and her current husband, her husband for several decades. I know they miss her and are wondering how to get on with their life with out her.
My mind was stuck on ex-husbands. My funeral. Who would come. Who would pay respects and leave. Who would feel like they needed to stay the duration to meet my friends, neighbors and loved ones. Surely my parents & grama will be gone. (although I don't even want to begin to think about that.) Who would be there to support my kids. Their future spouses, my future grandkids :-), my ex-husbands?? The thought of my ex-husbands hanging out at my funeral...that did not sit well with me. I don't mind them coming to pay their respects, but I don't want them hanging around my funeral and acting like they care about me. Telling who knows what kind of stories. They never gave a shit about me when we were married. Both of them couldn't wait to get rid of me and move on to the next.... I cried and cried about this. They've both moved on with their lives with out caring about what happens to me. Walking away from our family like it was an option. Like I was something they had grown tired of , and traded me in for a newer, shinier version. What the hell? Why was this bothering me so much? I don't know-- I guess there will always be baggage that shows up unexpectedly. I don't normally think this negatively. I'm happy to have moved on out of unhappy marriages. I'm happy to be single and living a life I love! I'm grateful for my kids and that I was able to raise them with no negative vibes in our home. I'm just upset that I couldn't give them the traditional. I know it's silly. But I'm still bitter about it.
I slept on it. Talked to Sierra about it. She said "Of course my dad will come! He cares about you. He would be there for me too." Then my heart started to soften. I started to think that if one of them died (Eric or Chris) I would definitely want to be there. Greeting friends we had in common, comforting family, especially the kids. They are great fathers. Better than I could have ever hoped. And they have cared for me in the best way they could as an ex-wife & baby momma. I owe them a lot. They really did help me through this crazy life and that needs to be respected. I guess we are tied together in some ways forever. I had never thought this far ahead about my life and it shook me up. The inevitability of death and those left behind.
School & Sports Activities, Dating, Weddings, College, Grandkids, Funerals. The exes and I will be there for all of it. Til death do us part...even after divorce.
No comments:
Post a Comment