Becoming a Mom

It's been too many months since my last post.  I've considered catching up- but I've decided to just begin anew.


I have several friends and neighbors who are either pregnant or have recently had their sweet babies.  Nothing gives me greater joy than looking into the eyes of a sweet newborn babe.  I have always noticed how intensely they look back at me.  I wonder what they think- if they are trying to communicate with me but have forgotten how- or if they know me from a previous existence- or if they just see something in my eyes that they recognize and relate too.

When I see a baby born in movies, or on tv--all those feelings come rushing back.  The joy- the excitement.  The pain, the love, the intense feeling of meeting that kid that's been sitting on your bladder, kicking your ribs, and growing inside you all those months.  Nothing can prepare you for that.  It is completely magical.


When I became pregnant with my first child, Sierra, I had no idea what I was in for.  I think I went into it as just the next step in life.  I had no idea how much my life would change.  How much I would love her.  How hard it would be to go thru a day on so little sleep.  How everything that hurts them, hurts you too- because you don't want them to feel pain, or be sad.  But they do, and you do too.  I honestly had no idea how to be a mom, no training. It's just a day by day process.  Until one day you look back, and 17 years have gone by- and you've done it....you've raised a human from baby to adult.   

I continued to grow up with my children.  I have grown into an adult as they have grown into little humans.  They have helped me to see my faults.   They are numerous.  They have also helped me grow into a stronger person, stronger than I ever thought I could be.  I was such a young mom.  24...24!!!! When I think about my girls becoming a mom at that age, it seems so crazy!  Married at 20!!! Was I nuts?  Sierra is 17 now.  Could she be married in 3 years?? Could she be a mom in just a few short years??  Certainly not.  Right?

I've tried to drill it into my kids  that they cannot even consider getting married until they are 25 and graduated from college.  I had so much growing up to do- I still do.  But hopefully, they will finish being kids before they decide to become get married, and especially before they become parents.  But seriously, do they ever listen?  I know I didn't.  My mom and I were just laughing about this the other day.  You can't be told how to live your life.  You do things through trial and error.  That's just how it is.

Being a mom did not come naturally to me.  I'm not a good cook.  I like my alone time.  I like things clean and organized.  This is not a good mix.  But I have learned to love those little mess makers of mine.  I love their stinkin guts!! How did this happen?  How do they steal your heart the minute your eyes meet?  How does it happen?  I don't know- it's some kind of kid magic.  And from that moment on, you are a mom.  I have tried to put their needs before mine.  I certainly struggled when they were babies.  I loved snuggling with them and their soft skin.  But I much prefer them grown.  The teasing, the laughing, the adventures we have.  I hope we are making good memories.

I worry so much about not giving them the life that they deserve.  Being twice divorced, all my kids are in a split custody situation.  Which totally sucks, and yet. sometimes, it is a real blessing.  Like birthdays, Christmas, holidays, and the like- you get to celebrate twice.  Sometimes 4 times when you throw the grandparents into the mix. But I so wish we didn't commute between mom and dad's house- I wish we had the storybook ending.  But we don't.  And it's ok.  We do the best we can.  The kids seem happy for the most part and have just grown up in this situation.  I often wonder how their married lives will be.  Will they be able to stay with their spouse forever?  Will they end up like their parents? Only time will tell- and it really doesn't matter.  All that matters is that they are happy.  I know I have learned, above all else, that I am a mom.  That is my calling in life, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.  The stretch marks I bare are my trophies.  And I am proud to wear them.